Giant 7-foot cockroach fights with nutty squirrel in New York Times Square! by KI

On June 17, 2024, a massive cockroach emerged from the ground demanding to see its oldest and fiercest rival, the nutty squirrel! Panicked civilians called 911 time and time again, even getting the attention of the US military, making not only the US but the entire world on edge. Finally after hours of panic, 2 helicopters, a Sherman tank, and a few dozen soldiers, a single squirrel, grayed with old age, came stumbling out of the crowd and talked with scrappy voices to the horrifying monster. The battle had begun. The battle raged on for days before the nutty squirrel bit through the front two legs of the cockroach with its teeth bringing down the cockroach on its knees. They made a new alliance to last for two thousand more fortnights, promising each other that they will not bring any more destruction to planet earth.

Witnesses are saying it was truly “The battle of the century”.

Farmer sues flood for trespassing and destroying his fence! by MK

Two days ago, a farmer in Ddhsjnm a town in the country of Swhsj had his fence broken by a major flash flood in the area. His farm is privately owned so not only did the flood destroy the fence- it also trespassed on private property.

The farmer, obviously distraught, was given the advice to sue the flood itself! A trial will be held in the following days and the rightful criminal will be punished accordingly.

Adjkf, Me82iehs a world famous lawyer says, “I will not stop until justice is served”! He is now working on suing the flood but is finding it difficult because the flood will not share its side of the story or its personal information.

Mr. Fluffy On Trial!!!! by JL

Mr.fluffy is being put on trial for stealing important documents and purposefully burning them

Mr.fluffy a persian cat is facing a 15000 dollar fine and 28 years of prison, the cat was found smashing 2 cameras outside the building and when the workers went outside to shoo him away he ran inside and made his break for the secretary’s office. Before Mr.fluffy could get to the drawer he saw the secretary’s lunch and ate it before promptly locking the door so the secretary couldn't get in. Then Mr.fluffy saw the drawers that he wanted to open and then he got to work eating up all the important paper, he took 15 minutes per drawer and when he was done he just opened the window and jumped out. He is now being prosecuted for his robbery and will hopefully be prosecuted so that we can all sleep comfortably that he won't attack your business.

Society Will Soon be Destroyed by Makeup! by LN

In the last week, thousands of girls stole money from their parents to get money to buy makeup. Parents are concerned about why their daughters are so into makeup. Most think that it’s because all of their role models are wearing a lot more makeup than you should wear. The Supreme Court is thinking about banning makeup overall for everyone's safety. They don’t want the government destroyed! That would mean no more makeup for ANYONE. Selling makeup would become illegal, with the same consequences as owning dangerous drugs. What they didn’t think about is that all the citizens would be very mad if they heard this news.

The little girls and adults heard this and are going mad, stocking up on makeup. Soon they’ll be broke, and society could get destroyed.

Pet Parrot Kills Owner's Friend! by KLB

The Miami police department was in distress this morning when twelve year old Matt Johnson was rushed into the hospital alongside his best friend, Lisa Smith–Johnson and Smith were ice skating and Johnson slipped onto the ice, crashing into Smith. Jim, Smith’s pet parrot who had tagged along, was ready to kill, seeing that his owner was hurt– he grabbed a very heavy rock with his talons and dropped it on Johnson’s head!

Johnson passed in the hospital at 10:57 a.m. The Miami police department is still figuring out the consequences for Jim the parrot.

Man dies to Brain-eating Alien After drinking Tap Water, Family sues for $100 million by SM

In a landmark case that has shocked the world, 51-year-old Sam Hall’s family sued the entire alien race for $100 million after Sam died in his home in Nebraska this last Sunday due to a rare species of brain-eating worm known as Satirius Mnemonia. Reportedly, his neighbors heard his screams and ran immediately into his home, and have chosen to not comment on his death.

Due to the overwhelming amount of pressure faced from people around the world, the Hall family decided to sue for damages, and the world is holding their breath to see how the aliens will respond to this. Their court appearance is scheduled on August 2, 2024, and Sam’s brother, Tom, shared more on why Sam was killed.

“There were rumors that Sam was somehow involved with the Illuminati, and the aliens sent us a message about it a couple weeks ago, threatening to kill him. We shrugged it off because that’s the kind of guy Sam is, y’know? He was always in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

When asked why they sued the entire alien race, he said, “The aliens can’t be trusted. Ever since they immigrated here in ‘87, they’ve been a nuisance. They always steal Little Johnny’s toys, and everyone’s had it with them!”
Tom’s wife, Becca, mysteriously disappeared after meeting an alien she was enamored with ten years ago, and Sam’s death marked the anniversary of when she left him.

“I think that the aliens are doing this on purpose. I mean, how many people have their wife of 20 years cheat on them with an alien guy?”

Suspicions have been arising worldwide about the possibility of many world leaders, especially the American president Kim Armarli, being part-alien ever since this case has gone off the rails. What will happen in trial remains to be seen, but one thing is for certain: the world’s perspective on aliens will undergo a great deal of change.

Ducks in england escape farm and nearly drown someone by Unknown

The ducks had escaped on a Tuesday morning and the flock swam down the nearest river, once they left the river they decided to fly to the nearest landmark, the London eye, they flew to the top with the entire flock sitting on the top of the pod before flying off to bully an icecream man and steal the keys to the truck and driving the truck into the river Thames.

The icecream man escaped and the ducks enjoyed the popsicles as they watched the ice cream truck get rescued from the water, they swam off together when they realized the police were coming and the farm is still searching for the ducks and if they get caught they will get prosecuted with 100 hours of community service the search has had no luck, the police will give rewards to anyone with information of these ducks.

Alien spacecraft lands in the Himalayas by AS

For what is believed to be the beginning of a worldwide alien takeover, multiple UFOs landed on mount Everest in the Himalayas on Friday, May 13, 2024. Since then they have been making their way to the bermuda triangle with multiple stops to places such as McDonalds, Target, The Roman Colosseum, and a planetarium in Ontario, Canada. 

The aliens are still en route to their destination making multiple detours for unknown reasons. They have committed many minor crimes such as stealing a dozen Mc chicken burgers, seven tennis rackets and an empty fish tank. Experts say that they will reach their destination on June 13, 2024 and will be determined to destroy the world, one McDonalds at a time….

Cat Grows To Be The Size Of The Eiffel Tower And Destroys billion-dollar neighborhood by SS

The United Kingdom was devastated by the loss of one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the world. Around 4 AM a cat drank what looked like a diet coke and grew to the size of the Eiffel tower, it went on a rampage and destroyed the entire neighborhood including 6 bouncy mansions. The government is at a loss to figure out how to rebuild the billionaire community. According to several witnesses the huge feline started running around crashing into buildings in shock of growing so large, its 20 foot claws destroyed millions of dollars worth of inflatable bouncy houses and swimming pools. The only time it calmed down was when it stopped at wendys to get 10,000 fries and 90,0000 burgers. The entire area is permanently out of fries and burgers for the next 100 years.

The government was forced to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on catnip to make the cat calm down and thousands more to get it back to normal…….

Dog kills old man! by LF

Old man was sleeping on his couch and his dog Blueberry wanted to go on a walk so the Blueberry tried to wake up his owner Blueberry licked the old man tugged his ear, tugged his nose, tugged his leg Blueberry tugged almost every part of his body then got too impatient and threw a tennis ball at him with his mouth!

He did that a couple of times but the man just wouldn't wake up then Blueberry noticed that he didn't tug one part of the man's body the chest so Blueberry walks over to the man and grips the chest a little too hard, bites into the heart and pulls strongly. The man opened his eyes for a millisecond then closed them. The man's neighbor comes over a week later for their usual dinner.

The neighbor lets himself in and finds the man still laying on the couch so his neighbor checks if his heart was beating when he found that it wasn't he called 911. They came as fast as they could and told the man's neighbor the bad news.

Dog Charged for Murder After Popping Giant Balloon and Drowning Owner! by ABV

Last month, on May 28th, 2024, Charlie, a Chihuahua, murdered his owner, Mellisa Krahs during an epic water balloon fight for his owner’s daughter’s seventh birthday party at their small home.

Mellisa’s husband, Gerald Krahs was away for a work trip and was not notified until he came home a week later. His wife was laying in the yard, her face a ghostly shade of white, while Charlie was whimpering next to her. The daughter, Katie Krahs would not come out of her room and had starved herself for 5 days. Afterwhich, when Gerald confronted Katie angrily, she cried that the Chihuahua popped the special giant balloon that they were saving for the end of the party. Gerald Krahs was enraged at this shocking news, so he sued his own dog for murder and had Charlie arrested. Let's hear what Charlie the Chihuahua has to say at his murder trial.

Before the trial, Charlie and the famous dog whisperer, Nac Saap, contacted the press. Charlie furiously barked and howled at the press, and later was translated. “Charlie says, ‘I thought my owner bought a new kind of treat. It was huge! About 5 feet long and 2 feet tall. I was so excited! Also, my owner forgot to leash me before she brought out the big balloon. Isn’t that crazy?’” Saap said.

During the trial, Gerald Krahs burst into tears when explaining what happened to his wife. “Charlie pounced on my wife and burst the balloon afterwards,” Gerald claimed. This was later proved wrong by the witness, Katie Krahs. Katie said, “My daddy’s lying! All Charlie did was bite the balloon!” Nac Saap agreed with Katie after she finished. Gerald was then arrested for perjury and Charlie was put into dog jail for a month.

Alien Saves Great Barrier Reef! by KK

Marine biologists were checking if the Great Barrier Reef was doing well after the treatment they had given the coral. They found out that it did the exact opposite they wanted and almost 90% of the reef was now bleached! This is a 50% increase from the amount of bleaching yesterday. The area was clear of sea life.

But at noon today, a fish not observed by the scientists at that time squirted a trail of greenish goo from its fins that somehow changed the color of the reef back to normal! It took a while for the biologists to realize this happened while the fish was long gone into the depths of the ocean

Later that evening, they replayed video footage from cameras and saw the fish at its work. They found out that the fish was alien…